


The Secrets We Keep

by Lillian_Sunshine



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief, M/M, Pining, Regret, he dies right at the beginning that's no secret, listen pals it's Merlin, mutual unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2018-12-12 17:28:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11741808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillian_Sunshine/pseuds/Lillian_Sunshine
Summary: Basically Merlin succeeds at changing destiny. Merlin is able to save Arthur and all of his men at the cost of his own life. Arthur must deal with his grief while exploring his friend's magical past, and coming to term with his unspoken feelings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I changed a lot of things for this fic. You're not supposed to understand EVERYTHING right off the bat because my main character Arthur does not but some general changes  
> \- I changed much of how the final battle went down. Merlin didn't lose his magic. He was with Arthur the whole time. The battle is crafted so that Merlin can do what I need him to do plotwise (which will be explained LATER in the story)  
> -In my story Merlin is able to cure Freya (again will be dealt with later in the story) and they have been living together as husband and wife for years now. They have a three-year old daughter when the story begins.

I rode alongside Merlin, leading my men. It was frankly ridiculous I allowed him this, this, deathwish?

  
He was my manservant, who had ever heard of a manservant going into battle? But Merlin had been adamant. And I had not the strength to resist him now. He had been through everything with me, had pulled me out of countless battles, taken Camelot back with me, even faced down a dragon with me. That gave him the right to die with me as well.

  
I was trying oh so hard to believe that this wasn’t hopeless. How could I ask my men to die for me, if I didn’t believe we had a chance? But Morgana had a larger army than we did and she had magic. Our defensive position was… alright. I was forcing her to meet us on hilly terrain. We could hide, but then so could she. I had done what I could do to reduce her numbers with stealth attacks but it wasn’t much. The problem wasn’t my men; if it were a fair fight, I would be far more optimistic. My men were the best. I saw to that myself. But we didn’t have magic. Idly, I wondered if my father’s paranoia magic would destroy his kingdom would be proven true because of his paranoia for magic. He had maimed us. I had allowed it to continue, but he had maimed us. _An army of cripples and I their cripple king._

  
“Arthur,” Merlin said softly. I turned to look at him. “All will be well.” He smiled. It was the best I felt all day, even though I knew all couldn’t possibly. I was reminded that if we had to die at the hands of Morgana and her magic then it was better to die fighting, and it was better for me to die next to him.

  
“Gwaine,” I commanded. “Take half of the foot soldiers and go to the East hill. Percival take the other half of the soldiers and go to the West hill. Leon, take the cavalry and go to Beord’s Beard. On my signal I want Gwaine and Percival’s men to charge down first. Leon, I want you to use your judgement. From your vantage point when you think the charge will do the most good, attack.”

  
“My King, I doubt very much we will take her by surprise,” Leon said. “Such a trap is obvious.”

  
“I agree,” I said with confidence I didn’t feel. “We’re not going to surprise her; the land has not changed since she and I were children. But the high ground advantage needs no surprising and I’m hoping an empty field will unnerve her at least.”

  
“Yes, my king,” Leon nodded.

  
My army began to disperse and I found my own words to them ringing in my ears. _We fight for our lives. That’s why we’re going to win._ I tried hard to believe in them, believe in a victory, but I could not. The only thing, against all odds that gave me any hope was Merlin’s face smiling. _All will be well._

  
“Will you stay?” I asked Merlin. “I intend to sit here until Morgana shows herself. It goes beyond any duty I might command of my manservant,” I flicked my eyes down, “But I ask it.” I had no idea what I would do if he said no. I had no idea how to face the wait in front of me alone without him.

  
“Of course,” Merlin said blinking quickly. “I wouldn’t leave if you commanded it.” He grinned, like there wasn’t a care in the world, like it was years ago and my father still sat the throne and I had more or less nothing hanging over my head. Much later, I realized that that was his final kindness towards me, fashioning that lightheartedness out of absolutely nothing.

  
“That’s not something to be proud of Merlin,” I said rolling my eyes and smiling.

  
“Speak for yourself.”

  
“Why haven’t I sacked you yet?”

  
“You have. You rehired me. I don’t think anyone else would put up with you.”

  
“Maybe.”

  
***

  
Morgana came riding on her steed, flanked by dangerous looking guards. Her front lines seemed a motley assortment of men and supernatural creatures. _She has a griffin._ I thought numbly. _My God we’ll be slaughtered._ Once she saw it was just me and Merlin in the valley she rode forward alone. As she advanced, I felt a shift in my chest. My fear was in no way gone, but it was repressed. I filled with the familiar pre-battle calm. What led up to this could not be changed. The situation existed and must be dealt with. Whatever happened was up to action now.

  
She got within 10 feet of us when it happened.

  
“Lovely day brother,” Morgana said. “And Emrys. Finally we end this. Have you told him yet?”

  
I spared a sideways glance at Merlin. He was looking at Morgana and I shall never forget the expression on his face. He was composed but clearly terrified. I had been in plenty of life or death situations with him and he had never reacted in such a way. Later I realized it was me he was terrified of, my reaction. I’ll always wonder how long Merlin, Merlin who always knew exactly what I was thinking and what I needed, sat there with that expression on his face not asking for help and how long I never noticed.

  
“Arthur,” Merlin said. He took a deep breath and a twisted mask fell over his face. “I am so sorry but you’re going to have to trust me. I’ll always be on your side.”

  
Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.

  
He shouted something in the Old Tongue and two shimmering lines shot out from his hands. A translucent wall formed for as long as I could see , separating myself and my men from Morgana’s army. He was on the other side, back to me.

  
_No. Not him too. Anyone but him, I couldn’t take that._ I was far too dazed for a verbal response. If Merlin betrayed me, I could trust no one. Hurt ran up and down my body and I wondered how Merlin, the man who always took such care to look out for me and for all of us could do something that caused so much pain. I vaguely registered the sound of Gwaine galloping down from behind me. He was far more collected than I.

  
“Merlin!” He shouted, riding along the barrier. “What are you doing!” He swung his sword wildly at the magical wall, which had the color of crystal. Gwaine gave a shout and dropped the sword. It was like he had hit stone.

  
I sat on my horse and watched. Morgana laughed at Gwaine and turned to Merlin. “I knew I could count on you to make this interesting. You’re intelligent, so I assume that there’s a reason you picked such a weak spell. You don’t think you’ll survive long enough to undo it. Which can only mean you plan to take me down with you. She shot a spell at the wall, and with incredible speed Merlin blocked it.

  
“That’s right.” Merlin said. His face was grave and focused. He shouted another spell and he and Morgana were surrounded by a wide semicircle. Morgana’s face remained in a smirk, but she narrowed her eyes. _She doesn’t know what he’s doing._

  
“I’m glad you recovered your magic so well, I confess you’re almost my equal. It’s a pity you’re not on the right side.”

  
Through my shock and hurt another feeling: massive concern. Merlin lied to me, Merlin had been a, a warlock behind my back for years but he hadn’t betrayed me. He was on my side. We were no longer crippled thanks to him and he was essentially locked in a cage with someone who wanted to kill him. The possibly that we would both die today had weighed heavy on my shoulders for a long time but, this, this had not even crossed my mind. “Merlin!” I shouted finding my voice at last.

  
“I could fight you Emrys. But somehow I remember I can’t be killed. Hardly seems fair.”

  
“You’re right Morgana. I don’t have the power to kill you. But I can kill myself.” He started to recite something long and unintelligible. Morgana’s eyes widened.

  
“What is this magic? It can not be done!” She furiously shouted something at the wall but a gasping, pain stricken Merlin touched the barrier, murmured something and the wall held.

  
“There is always a way Morgana. My friend. If you look hard enough.” He continued to recite, and he actually whimpered in pain and sunk to the ground.

  
“This is impossible! You’re not strong enough to do this! You’ll die before you finish!” She tried to kill him then, summoning a great lightning bolt from the sky. Prostrate on the ground Merlin’s hand shot out and he formed a shield of air.

  
“I am strong enough. I am Merlin Emrys.” Slowly and deliberately Merlin stood up. “I fight for Albion, I fight for the Once and Future King, and I fight for magic!” He screamed the last words out and Morgan’s recoiled.

  
“No! No you can’t!”

  
Merlin was beyond the point of responding. He stayed standing but I don’t think that was because he willed it. It seemed like his feet were almost floating off the ground, just an inch or so as what I can only explain as waves of power rolled off of him. They had no color, but they made the air shimmer like the air above a hot spring. He was screaming for his life. His body was twitching and jerking but ultimately it could not move itself away from the pain. There was nothing in his power he could do to relieve himself of it, he could simply express it through scream after mortal scream.

  
Morgana was screaming as well, but her screams were of frustration and fury. She was shouting at her barrier but it was holding; in desperation she began to pound at her prison. The waves of power that flowed from Merlin, however, passed through the wall and struck her troops. They fell instantly. Leaves were stripped from the trees and bushes in the area.

  
We were okay. The power waves hit our wall and bounced off, creating rainbow waves from top to bottom. Merlin’s protection held firm.

  
All of the sudden it was over. The magical walls dissipated into the air, creating a massive wind. The silence was voluminous. Merlin was the only one in my line of vision still standing. He began to sway and he fell to the ground face first, like a dead weight.

  
I remember everything that happened to him with piercing clarity, but for the life of me I can’t remember dismounting my horse. One minute I was watching this horror unfold in front of me and then I was kneeling on the ground picking Merlin up.

  
“You stupid, stupid, man” I mumbled. “Why?” He didn’t respond. He lay on my lap and his hands trailed off into the dead grass beneath us. There wasn’t a scratch on him, nothing to indicate the level of pain he had just endured. His eyes were open, of course, staring up at the sky, devoid of expression. “Please No.” He began to smell.

  
Despite everything, I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him then. I had spent all of the last years with him, fervently denying that to myself. Gwen was enough. I loved her enough. Merlin was a friend and a brother. That was enough. Well I was holding him in my useless arms and I was realizing that I would never get a chance to deny that I was in love with him again and you know? It wasn't enough. I should've done it. I should've kissed him then. It wouldn't have been enough; it would have been better than nothing. But despite my yearnings and regret and desires I remembered where I was and who was behind me and who was likely to be behind me soon and I didn't. I didn't.

  
“Is he dead?” Gwaine asked, coming up behind me.

  
“Yes.” I said. He nodded once, staring at his feet. He gave me a heavy look.

  
“Did you know about his plan?” Gwaine asked. “Did you know about his magic?”

  
“No.” I shook my head vigorously. “I never had a clue.”

  
I heard hoofbeats then and my knights came into view. “Sire,” Leon said looking completely dumbfounded.” I'm trying to keep my men in line but nobody knows what just happened! Is the day won?”

  
With my men looking at me I fully grasped what the man in my arms had done for us. No one else was going to die. We could all go home. “Yes.” I said. “I think so.” Leon began to very subtly shake with relief. It looked like he wanted to say something more but I raised my hand up in a gesture for silence. I placed Merlin on the ground beside me and stood up. “Listen. This is all a surprise to me. I need you, all of you, to gather your men and keep them calm. I would speak to them.” Leon and Percival nodded right away and with subdued glances to the body at my side they turned to go. Gwaine stared at me a little longer. It was harder for him I knew. Percival and Leon weren't close to Merlin but he had been Gwaine's first friend here.

  
“I know,” I said softly. “We cannot give into grief now Gwaine. The men out there need us.”

  
He sighed and made like he was about to turn when he gasped. “Morgana!” he cried. She's not dead!”

  
I spun around, drawing my sword. Morgana had pushed herself up from where she had collapsed. She seemed in a daze but when she saw me she regained her focus quickly. The first thing she did was raise her hand in my direction and screamed something insidious. I braced myself for… something but her spell had no effect on me. She screamed the spell again, again, and again but nothing happened. Whatever Merlin did had stripped her of her power. She looked around wildly; when she saw her decimated troops she beat the ground in fury and tried in vain to use magic. Her cries were shrill and filled with terror.

  
For 5 full seconds I just looked at her. I had no idea what to do. Should I kill her? Part of me, the part twisting and writhing with hatred for this murderer in front of me wanted to hear her scream just like Merlin had, wanted to make her. I crossed the distance between us in a few short strides and I put every ounce of fury I had into a kick straight in her face. Like I said she wasn't wearing armor and I was. I knocked out a bunch of her teeth and broke her nose with that one blow. She howled in pain and it invigorated me.

  
“Not as loud as him, not nearly as loud.” I said with determined intent. I delivered another kick, one to her stomach and one right to her left breast. She did scream louder but it wasn't her screams I heard, it was his.

  
If I had been alone in that moment I would have lost myself completely to my enraged state. I had no control. I would have killed her as slow as I could stand to. Luckily I wasn't alone.

  
“Arthur!” Gwaine said physically wrapping his arms around me and pulling me away from her. “You are a king! You are our king!”

  
I fought him I think but Gwaine didn't let me go back to torment her. The rage I felt was so strong it could not last with inaction, and slowly, slowly, I came back to the mind of a rational thinking being. Although he had unleashed a far greater fury than I just had, it was hard for me to imagine the still body behind us acting on such animalistic urges. I began to feel shame and exhaustion.

  
“It's all right, Gwaine.” I said. “I'm not going to do that again.” He released me.

  
I approached the bloodied mess in front of me. One look at her and I knew she was broken. Morgana was sobbing. Her face was all bashed in so it must have hurt to do so but from the looks of it she had no control either. When she raised her eyes to look at me I saw terror. I was glad. I was happy she was suffering. I thought it some just vengeance for her crimes. I was scaring myself with how deeply I despised her.

  
Merlin didn't hate her. At the end he had called her friend and sounded sad. How many times had he said that Morgana had given into her hatred? When he said it it sounded very wise and true and I found myself believing I didn't hate her. But Merlin wasn't around to say such things and I was quite unable to comprehend everything I had just lost. _Just control Arthur. Control it._

  
“I'm not going to burn you Morgana, just execute you.” I said. “Nobody is going to get burnt alive while I'm king. Magic is no longer illegal here.”

  
She was hysterical with laughter then, or maybe she was crying. It was horrid. This entire business seemed awful and pointless. Stupid. 28 years ago my parents had used magic to conceive me and my mother had died. For that so many people were killed? For that we lost Morgana to darkness? For that Merlin had died? There had almost been a battle. A battle! Men were going to die in the thousands.

  
In that moment I hated my father so much the loathing bubbled up inside me, making me loathe myself simply for being his son. Why had it come to this? Why didn't Merlin just Tell! Me! Why did I let laws against magic stand when magic saved my wife? How could my father have been so selfish, so evil as to wage a war against an entire people for one tragedy?

  
Merlin’s face again. _All will be well._

  
“Can you walk?” I asked her. She rose unsteadily to her feet. “Where?” she said very painfully but sounding steadier. The morning was washed out and I was filled with lethargy.  
“To Camelot.” I said, as Gwaine came over to where Morgana was standing and tied her hands with some rope, forming a sort of leash. “You'll spend the night in the jail cell and in the morning I'll execute you.”

  
“Why not kill...kill me, me ahh” she gritted what was left of her teeth “kill me now?” She said staring at me with a hint of her former caustic tongue.

  
“In truth Morgana,” I said, turning around and kneeling next to Merlin, “I could give you several good reasons.” I smiled at him. “It will bring the people moral good to see you die in front of them. As a sort of security that a monster is gone.” I closed his eyes. “Also if I'm going to legalize magic- which I am, executing you solely for high treason is a good start. But those aren't my reasons.” I wrapped my arms around him and stood up, turning around to look at her again. “I'm tired, Morgana. A moment ago I could have done it but now?” I looked down at my friend. “I'm just sick of it. Aren't you? Even a little?”

  
“Oh Arthur,” Morgana said with horrible certainty “It's far too late for all of that.”

  
I laughed a little and shook my head. “Not for me. Thanks to him.”

  
I wanted to cry and sleep for a few years, but instead I sighed and straightened my back. “C'mon Gwaine. We have to get going now.”

  
***

  
Gwaine kept on giving me side glances as we walked to the end of the field, at the base of the three great hills. Despite his natural scrawniness, with every further step my arms and back burned a little more. I forced my back straight and kept a steady pace. Without my horse the field seemed endless. He was fine, Gwaine was riding him back slowly, so Morgana could walk beside him. Gwaine looked as I should. My army would tell it to their wives and children. _I had no idea what was going to happen but then I saw Sir Gwaine high atop his horse with Morgana trailing behind him with such an expression of defeat I knew the day was ours._

  
I couldn't be that right now. I just couldn't.

  
I knew I had to address my men. I knew in a matter of minutes I would be right in front of them and I'd have to put Merlin down and give a punctuation mark to the day. It was my duty. I had nothing to say. Or rather I had so much to say, so much to scream that all the words, all the colors of the things I might say had twisted together into a wall so black nothing could get through.

  
But there was nothing for it. So I just kept on walking forward and trying to etch into memory for the rest of my life his face. _All will be well._

  
“Arthur.” Gwaine said putting his hand on my shoulder. I jumped. I hadn't noticed we had crossed the field and he had dismounted. I looked into his eyes. “Let me take him at least for a little while.”

  
No. I nodded my consent but my arms didn't move. Gwaine smiled at me and then moved to take him. I let- I let him be taken. It was inevitable. I watched Gwaine hoist him up onto his horse. When I knew he was secured and would not fall off I reached out and squeezed his hand. My men were silent and waiting. They were waiting for their king. I could delay them no longer. I breathed and turned around.

  
“The day is won.”

  
The din was overwhelming. My troops cheered and whooped and hollered. It was right that they did this; in fact I was certain Merlin would want them to. No one was going to die.  
I felt no joy. I felt a little bit like I was separate from my body and when I made the decision to act, to move, to speak, it was like I was pulling the strings of a puppet. Eventually, the men quieted down.

  
“The day is won. Morgana stands before you defeated.” I looked over at her. Her face was level and calm as she stared out at the jeering crowd. She was playing her part very well too, now she had had time to collect herself. _And Morgana was a fearsome thing too_ , they would say to their children, _why she just stood there, stood and stared at us. She looked monstrous, her face was all bashed in and bleeding. A right proper witch she was. Made my skin crawl to behold._

  
_I must break from the part of a victorious king. If I don't do it now I never will._ “Morgana and her army have done us great evil through magic. My father made it his life’s work to eradicate magic from this kingdom and I have continued that work."

  
“But here today I find myself face-to-face with the truth. The only reason we are alive today is magic.”

  
Silence.

  
“Morgana's army lies dead on the field because of magic. You saw the strange wall in the sky. It saved us from the same fate that befell all on her side. If it were not for magic we would currently be engaging in battle where victory was a far from foregone conclusion. There is no guarantee that any of you would still be alive. There is no guarantee that I would still be alive. It was the magic of this man,” I pointed to Merlin, “that made this all possible.

  
“I’m sure you’ve seen him but you had little reason to take note of him. His name was Merlin. He was my manservant. I had no idea he was able to use magic, in fact I can remember many a time when he counseled me against it. I didn’t know of his plan, and honestly I’m still not particularly sure to what I was witness to. We were saved, that much I do know.

  
“So today I am faced with a dilemma. Magic as I have be taught to understand it is evil, but Merlin was my dearest friend and a good man. We all thought magic would destroy us, and yet it saved us. I am forced to change my opinion.

  
“I loved my friend. More than anyone will know. And I will not desecrate his sacrifice by maintaining the laws that made his deed necessary. There is much I do not understand about magic. I have been made ignorant by my fear of it. I will need time to learn, to discover the differences between the magic that Morgana used against us, and the magic Merlin used to save us. I intend to seek advice from whichever warlocks and witches are brave enough to give it.”

  
Silence.

  
“In short, I intend to, gradually and with provision to prevent against its misuse, legalize magic.”

  
Silence. I have always been skilled at public speaking; it’s something that comes along with being groomed as a leader since birth. And despite it all, despite the heaviness that flooded my being, despite the disorder rampaging around my brain, despite themerlinwasgonehe’sdeadhe’sdeadhewon’teverbebackthingswon’teverhavethechancetobeexplainedandunderstoodandI’llfuckingneverevergettokisshimfortherestofmylifeandheneverknew avalanche inside my brain, I knew I had gotten my men to listen. _Will they be able to accept my words?_

  
After two heartbeats Gwaine came to stand next to me and added, “He was my first friend. I wouldn’t be anyone of importance at all if he hadn’t taken an interest in me. I haven’t the fainted idea of what transpired in this field today but I know if Merlin practiced magic then it can’t be implicitly evil. You have our word.” There was more silence, but Gwaine didn’t let it continue. “Let’s go home. We’ve been saved.” When he turned away from my men the murmuring began. “I’ll go find my horse,” he said pointedly, and still holding the rope that bound Morgana, led her away.

  
I nodded and mounted my horse. I wanted so badly to not see Merlin in front of me. The thought of the ride home, with him slumped over the horse, tensionless, his limp arms swaying back and forth turned my stomach but I felt a grim sense of duty. I had to see him back to Camelot.

  
There was so much to do; tomorrow we would have to bury the enemy, deliver justice to Morgana and I would have to begin to explore this side of my friend of which I knew nothing. But right now, I need to get Merlin home.

  
***

  
We made quite the procession walking back to Camelot. My men were deathly silent when we arrived but now the ranks were filled with excited chatter. I would not have quieted them for the world. Gwaine and myself shared a feeling of profound melancholy and it affected the rest of my knights.

  
As we re entered the city, the city men who had come to her defense flooded the streets making their way home. Women and children greeted them. Those who had come from our farmlands to offer aid would soon be leaving. The sound of joy flew through the air swooping through doorways and narrow alleys, making the whole city rise just a few feet off the ground.

  
Where I rode it was silent. A wave of hushed whispers preceded the hoofbeats of my horse.

  
Guinevere had extended an invitation for Gaius, Freya, and her daughter Caledonia to take shelter from the battle in the castle. At first they had politely declined. I had mentioned something about it to Merlin a few days past. His response was to look at me hard.

  
_“Gaius is old, Arthur. He and my wife believe that if Morgana makes it past the walls they won’t be much safer in the castle. He would rather die in his own home and he’s done too much for us that my wife would leave him.”_

  
_“What about my wife? It is expected for her to remain in the castle and she is still trying very hard to fit in with the noble ladies. I know she’s lonely. It would mean the world to have friends with her.”_

  
_“... I’ll bring that up to them. It’s not my decision though.”_

  
I was glad that Freya and Gaius consented to Gwen’s wishes. Otherwise I was obligated to bring him to their home, and I wanted to take him to mine.

  
After an eternity experiencing what it’s like to be the sole rain cloud on a sunny day we reached the castle. We dismounted.

  
Duty constricted my grief as I ordered Gwaine to see Morgana put in a proper cell. He nodded and began to lead Morgana off. She turned her head and stared at me. “How long do I have?”

  
“Tonight,” I said flatly. I began to lift Merlin off my horse, but something got the better of me and I stopped, leaning my head against my horse. “See that she is given good food and water.”

  
“Sire?”

  
“She is my sister and I will grant her this kindness without further questions.” It wasn’t until Merlin was already in my arms that I realized he was usually the one to lead my horse to the stable. “And Leon?”

  
“Yes Sire?”

  
“Have one of the stablehands understand it is now his job to take in my horse until further notice.”

  
I didn’t wait for a response. With Merlin securely in my arms I finally entered the castle.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your continued interest in my story! I promise I'll try to post with regularity, although no chapters will be quite as long as my first. After all, the first was a product of months and months of adding to an idea and seeing if I could make it into a story. Now that I know where this is going I'll be posting more frequent, if shorter updates.

No one approached me as I made my way through the castle. No one dared. Servants scuttled past me in the halls like cockroaches, giving me furtive glances. I didn’t really know where I was going.

_I need desperately to sit, to lay Merlin down somewhere, there’s nowhere to put him, how can there be nowhere to put him? Oh dear God isn’t there anyplace in this entire castle where I can sit? That must be why can’t I think? I’m so tired; he’s so heavy, but I can’t lay him down, he can’t just, go on the floor, I can’t do that to him. I bet he would know a place where he could sit. I’m losing it. I’m losing it, I just want to sit, just a moment if I could only sit just a little bit I’m sure I could collect my thoughts. I need to sit, I need to sit. I need to sit._

  
“Arthur!” Gwen was shaking me. I blinked. “We saw you ride in a half hour ago! I’ve been looking everywhere.”

  
“Gwen,” I said. “Gwen. Merlin’s dead.”

  
She bit her lip and cupped my face. “You’d better sit my love.”

  
I was about to explain to her the sudden vanishing of all the chairs in the castle when she grabbed my shoulder and, as gently as was possible, she made me sit. I blinked again. I had been pacing the throne room this entire time without noticing. I was sitting on my throne. Merlin was very awkwardly lying on my lap.

  
“I sent a messenger earlier, to see how the battle was going. He told us that Merlin had fallen. He spoke of… shimmering walls and the entirety of Morgana’s army dropping dead. I didn’t know what to believe.”

  
“It’s true. All of it. He was a warlock Gwen.”

  
“No!”

  
“He is. I can’t explain what happened, he just, said some words and there was power, so much power radiating from him. It destroyed Morgana’s army and it also destroyed him.”

  
She was silent for a long time, looking at me. When she spoke again her eyes were full. “When we saw you ride in, I bade Gaius and Freya go into our bed chambers.”  
“Our bedchambers?”

  
“Where do you propose to put him? You can’t hold onto him forever Arthur,” Gwen said. She tilted her head and entreated me with her eyes. “He needs to be cleaned up. You need to let Freya tend to him.”

  
I really, really didn’t want to bring him upstairs. It was an instant of complete selfishness; I didn’t want to share him. Once I walked into that room, I had no choice. Any rights I had as a primary mourner would be shifted to Freya and her child, not to mention Gaius. I-I didn’t want to be pushed to the sidelines of public grief.

  
I looked her in the eye. “Gwen, I can’t right now.”

  
She sat down on her adjacent throne and grabbed my hand. After a few minutes she said, “Arthur, you have to.”

  
So I made my way up to the bedchambers.

  
***

  
I didn’t blame Gwen for choosing our room. I couldn’t really imagine laying him down anywhere else. But I knew as soon as I set foot in our room that I would never be able to sleep there again.

  
It wasn’t just Gaius’ stifled sobs, or Freya’s stiff emotionless mask, or even her daughter Caledonia’s uncomprehending stares that made me realize I would never again be at ease in my own room.

  
It wasn’t even just the way Merlin looked on our bed after Freya rushed to lay him on it.

  
It was the fact that this was an intimate place, it was my intimate place, and Merlin had always been there to share in that intimacy. The only person in the world who could come into our bedroom without knocking was Merlin. He was everywhere.

  
“Why is everyone sad that Daddy’s sleeping?” Caledonia asked abruptly. Not for the last time I thought what a remarkably perceptive child she was.

  
“Hush darling,” was Freya’s only reply. She was different than the rest of us I could tell. She was grieving, but I didn’t recognize any of the dazed senselessness on her face that I saw on Gwen’s or Gaius’.

  
“You knew didn’t you?” I said. “About this plan of his, about his magic, you knew all of it? You let it happen.”

  
She sat down on our bed as if struck. Finally, finally, the tears started to flow. Caledonia didn’t know what to make of it and anxiously nestled herself onto her mother’s lap.  
“Of course I knew I was his wife!” She sobbed.

  
_Of course she would know. Of course._ I thought. _Of course there are secrets that only a husband and a wife keep._ It still hurt like crazy to think that Freya knew more about Merlin than I did.

  
“You knew too.” I said looking at Gaius. “He lived with you for a while you must’ve known. You probably taught him.” Feeling sick to my stomach I sunk onto the bed next to Freya, careful to give Merlin his space.

  
Gaius vigorously shook his head. “Of course I knew about the magic, the first time we met he saved my life by using magic to transport a bed under me to cushion a fall. But this, this I had no idea he’d plan something like this.” Gaius was in a pretty bad way, but so I was I and I pressed on.

  
“Something like what?” I demanded. “What did he do?”

  
No one answered me. I felt like I might explode. Even though I knew it was an ass move I grabbed Gaius by the shoulders and shook him “What did he do?!” I screamed. He didn’t respond.

  
“Arthur!” My wife reprimanded me harshly. Caledonia clung to her mother. Freya looked at me with red eyes.

  
“It was a very ancient spell. He had to get help in order to learn it. He didn’t tell me the specifics,” Freya lowered her gaze to the floor. “Mostly because I didn’t want to know, but from what I understand it allowed him to use, his, his energy you know? We all have a life force, and with the correct magic you can harness it into a weapon.”

  
“You’re telling me what I saw today kill Morgana’s armies was Merlin’s life?

  
“Yes. It’s a terrible and awesome thing that my husband did. A life should never be used like that, nobody has done it for thousands of years.”

  
“So then why did he do it?!” I said. “Freya, the things I’ve seen today I’ll never forget for the rest of my life! The screams, I’ve never heard anyone scream like that. Morgana’s forces they just seemed to drop dead but for Merlin it dragged on for minutes-”

“STOP IT!” Freya yelled. She was covering her daughter’s ears.

  
It was several moments before I had collected myself enough to go on.

  
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

  
“He did it because that’s the only thing that could stop Morgana." Freya interjected. "She had become immortal, and the power of a life was the only thing that could burn away her magic. This was the only way to ensure that we won with no casualties." 

  
“He never told me any of this. He never told me a damn thing.”

  
Freya pressed her lips together and gave me a compassionate look. “Someday soon, you should come to my home, and we’ll sit and we’ll talk about everything. But not today.”

  
All five of us were silent. After a time, I looked up at her and said, “If any of you other than Gaius practice magic you need to tell me right now.”

  
That earned me a wane smile from Freya. “Caledonia, can you show Uncle Arthur your trick?”

  
“Daddy says I can’t ever unless I’m home with him,” Caledonia said looking at her mother like she was simple.

  
“I know sweetheart, but I’m telling you that it’s alright to do it now. It’s the only exception.”

  
“Daddy should be awake. He’s always awake when I do my tricks.” she said, looking at her father’s body.

  
“He can’t be right now. He would if he could.” Freya looked at her daughter meaningfully. “It’s really important that you do the trick.”

  
Caledonia nodded. Her eyes flashed gold. A small flame appeared in her hands yet she was unburnt. “Hoppaþ nu swilce swá lieg fleogan.” The flame danced around the room. Smiling, Caledonia flicked her hands and the fire took the shape of butterflies. “Did you like it Uncle Arthur?” she asked.

  
My mouth was dry. Suddenly I could visualize it very clearly. There was a voice Merlin used for children and animals. One or twice when I had been very, very injured Merlin had used it on me. It was all comfort and confidence and reassurance. He would be using the voice with his daughter. Maybe it was night after work. She would have probably done a little begging, and he would have been very stern telling her that she couldn’t tell anyone at all about this. Freya would be shaking her head but smiling. He’d sit her down on his lap and they’d practice shaping flame together. I could so vividly see his eternal patience as she fumbled over the words and as her fire creatures flickered out over and over again. For the first time I could imagine my Merlin practicing magic. And it felt natural.

  
“I think you did really good Cal,” I said, giving her a pat on the shoulder.

  
“I never had the capacity for magic,” Freya said. “So we weren’t sure what we were going to get with Caledonia. We didn’t want to teach her anything that would endanger her. But soon after she turned two she started making little flames just by herself. Behavior like that at such an early age meant that she surely was to follow in her father’s footsteps. So Merlin started to teach her how to properly handle it.” Freya put her hands on her daughter’s shoulders and looked at me pointedly. “What comes next?”

  
“I’m legalizing magic.” I said. Gaius looked as if I had said pigs were to fly but Freya kept her composure. “I don’t want your daughter to feel like she has anything to hide.”

  
Freya tightened her grip on Cal’s shoulders. “Thank you Arthur”.

  
“I just, I need to know something.” I said. “Did Merlin really think I would execute him if he told me the truth?”

  
“While your father was in charge he knew he simply couldn’t risk it.” Gaius said, quietly interrupting. “But there wasn’t a moment when he didn’t want to tell you.”

  
“Well then why didn’t he!” I said, cheeks flushed. “My father wouldn’t have understood, but I’ve been king for years! Hell I can remember times when he advised me against magic.”

  
“It was a difficult time for him. There were prophecies on his shoulder’s no one so young should have to bear. He was only trying to keep you safe.”

  
“Keep me safe! By lying to me about everything he was?”

  
“He was petrified of your rejection!” Gaius said. “Perhaps the only opinion he esteemed as high as yours was Freya’s.Who he was, was your manservant, magic or no. He was yours. Completely. There was no lie about any of that. He loved you Arthur Pendragon.”

  
Even though I knew that couldn’t be what he meant, his words sent a fresh wave of pain through my body.

  
“Sometimes you get so caught up in a lie it becomes a part of you,” Gaius said quietly. “That’s how it was for him. Maybe it’s not fair but he could never face telling you. He was too scared.”

  
I exhaled. “I never would have- he would have been SAFE- I would never have harmed- He could’ve trusted me I- !” There were tears then. I don’t know if it was Gwen holding me or Gaius but it seemed like everyone had just melted together into one insensible pile of grief.

  
“I want to know more about him,” I said after a while.

  
Freya nodded tearfully. “He knew that there would be no time for a proper goodbye between you.” She pulled a letter from the pocket of her skirts. “I expect this won’t answer all of your questions, but it’s a start.”

  
I took the letter. “Thank you.”

  
“He never wanted to hurt you. It was just one of those things that got out of his control.”

  
I took a deep breath and all my grief, hurt and betrayal settled down in the pit of my stomach. I felt awful, but at least my head was a little bit clearer.

  
Gwen sniffled, and laughed the constricted giggle of the overwhelmed. “So, what on Earth is our next move.”

  
“I’m executing Morgana tomorrow. I don’t want to have his funeral on the same day.”

  
“Neither do I,” said Freya.

  
“Let me take him to my home,” Gaius urged. “There are things to be done.”

  
“Well?” I asked Freya after a moment of reconciling myself to the fact that I could hold onto him no longer.

  
“I think it would be right,” Freya consented.

  
“Very well, I’ll have Leon escort you there at nightfall,” I said.

  
“Not you yourself?” Gwen questioned.

  
My face hardened. “I have to talk to my sister.”

  
“Be careful,” Freya said. “She’s still dangerous, even without her magic. She knows your weaknesses.”

  
“I will.” She nodded tersely. “And Freya?”

  
“Yes?”

  
“I intend to burn him on a pyre just as I would any knight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The spell I had Caledonia use was the same as the one Merlin used to impress Freya in season 2, I thought it was fitting. Rest assured, in good time I will explain Freya's presence in my story and why exactly she isn't a cursed being that has to turn into a monster periodically .


	3. Chapter 3

I couldn’t bring myself to visit my sister until nearly 2 hours past midnight. Gwen had urged me to get some rest and so I had gone to bed just to please her. Although she never voiced such things I knew she had been steeling herself for a very different ending. She needed me that night; she needed to see me and feel me and know that I was indeed there.

Ironically we slept in Morgana’s room.

At first Gwen suggested that we might go into my old room which we always kept ready for visitors or Merlin, but I found that out of the question. Since neither of us desired to wake the servants Gwen took me to the only room she could find her way to effortlessly in the dark.

The servants had never dared to touch that room after she fled the city, but to us it was perfectly comfortable. The room of our greatest enemy was surely less frightening than our haunted chambers.

When I went to kiss her goodnight, I told her we might talk if she wished it, but when she looked up at me her moonlit eyes were inscrutable and I could not tell what she desired.

“I think we soon must talk earnestly about a great number of things,” she whispered. “But surely you don’t think me so cold and unfeeling as to require it of you now.”

Her words put me at ease, and as I put my arms around her and waited to hear her breathing relax; I thought that while I might never feel the ardent desire for her that is so celebrated in the jester’s songs, I certainly had it in myself to love and cherish such a wife.

***   
“Hell is cold” I remarked to Gwaine as I approached his dark station in the dungeon.

“Cold is the least evil of this place,” Gwaine said grimly. “Such silence to accompany such thoughts as consume me.”

“Then go and be somewhere noisy. It’s not yet half past midnight. On such a day as this the taverns are still open.”

“Ah you speak sense my friend. The noise of other people’s drunken revels will chase away the darkness.”

“I wish you luck.”

“Arthur,” Gwaine said, “Did you find anything out?”

“He’s been a magician his entire life. Only Gwaine and Freya ever knew about it. And Caledonia, she has magic too.”

“So it’s true.” Gwaine said. “After so many years of friendship I found myself hoping for some other explanation, some chance meeting with a warlock at night to give him this one power or something of the like.”

“No. He lied.” My mouth was dry, and I wished I brought my flask.

Gwaine embraced me. “Perhaps it will be enough in time that he was a good man in both his lives.”

“In time.” I said, shock waves shooting through my body at the thought that all the time I had left in this world would be spent without Merlin.

“Be careful of her,” Gwaine said, nodding down the dark hall to Morgana’s cell. “She may not have her magic, but a tongue can weave the most powerful spells on its own.

“I will.” I watched Gwaine’s torchlight until it disappeared into the dark. 

“Well Arthur,” Morgana said from her cell. “I very much would like to chat but I do so need my sleep. Being well-rested for one’s own execution is of supreme importance. I would greatly appreciate it if you made this quick.”

“Stop it.” I said, sliding myself down into a sitting position. “Just, stop it.”

“Oh why so cross? Shouldn’t you be celebrating? One sorceress lies before you defeated, defrocked, her army gone and another sorcerer dead. All your dreams have come true.”  
That cut down to the bone but I kept my head high, my expression neutral. She could tell she had affected me though. She smirked. 

“Why are you like this? I never did you any harm before all this and neither did he.”

“Never did any harm? I was poisoned by him!”

“What?”

“It was back during the sleeping plague. You never doubted that paper thin excuse he made for me did you? Gaius gave me a draught?” She raised her eyebrows and smiled sardonically.

I just stared at her.

She threw up her hands. “It was me idiot. I was the vessel for the spell.”

I blinked. _Years of false memories I must reconstruct._ “He… poisoned you?”

Morgana gave me an ambivalent look, “I didn’t know Morgause had done that until later. But Merlin found out all right. I remember he had the audacity to cry, while I was dying, while the hemlock swole my throat.” She stared at the ground. “He was holding me too, trying to “comfort” me I suppose. He had no right to do that.”

“Why are you still alive, then?”

“My sister realized what was happening and agreed to stop the spell in exchange for me.”

“So that’s where you where that whole time. With Morgause, learning to hate us?”

She flicked her eyes up at me. “Correct.”

After several uncomfortable minutes I said. “You know we were all worried sick. Father didn’t sleep, barely ate.”

“Is that supposed to exonerate him?” Her head jerked up and she glared at me. “All the blood on his hands, washed away because he loved his children? Or well, he loved you anyway. He acknowledged you. How much could he have possibly loved me if he didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me I was his daughter? I was his prized lapdog, at best.”

“So that’s it then?” Heat rushed to my cheeks. “Oh yes it makes so much sense now. You threw away your principles, your family, your friends, because you felt jealous of me? You killed, tortured, maimed thousands of people you used to care about because poor, poor you had a screwed up father?”

“Why are you here?!” Morgana screamed.

“Because I want to understand you!” I ran my hands through my hair. “We grew up together. You were my oldest friend. Wherever you went I went. We had no secrets. I know better than anyone how frigid Father could get, and Merlin, well, I no longer know what transpired between you and him, but I never did you wrong. Not one thing.”

“You were on their side Arthur. I don’t need another reason. Oh so you’re liberal now, when you have everything but you were never before. If Uther told you to raid a druid village you grabbed your sword.”

“I was young and Uther was the only parent I had. So I listened to him. I’m going to spend the rest of my life regretting my mistakes.”

She snorted. “Then live long and prosper Arthur Pendragon. And I want you to know that tomorrow before I kneel to the ground and get out of this hell, I’m going to turn to you and smile. And do you know what I'll be thinking while I smile?” Her gaze was venomous.

“I’ll be thinking that all of this, losing my army, losing my magic, even losing my immortality was worth it, just because I took that fucking murderous traitor to his own kind manservant of yours with me. I’ll kneel, and I’ll remember his screams and they’ll sound like bells as the ax comes down.”

They warned you not to come here. They told you she could still hurt you. 

I retched. I heard her laughing in the background. “Oh Arthur I’ve made him scream so many times you just wouldn’t believe it!”

Somehow, I hoisted myself up from my sitting position and staggered away down the dungeon hall, her abuses following me as I fled. At the top of the flight of stairs I sat down and clenched my fingers into fists, trying to steady them.

That creature down there was not Morgana. She could not be. Everything she had done in the past few years had created a gulf so wide between us it was hard to remember a time it wasn’t there, but for most of my life she was my better.

She had always been better than me. She used to sneak out and go into the city all the time, ever since she was a girl, walking through the worst parts of town, giving out food. Father would have been furious if he had found out but she didn't care. She was fearless. I would go with her sometimes, just to spend time with her. It was a bit of a lark for me, sneaking out, disguising ourselves to avoid recognition, slumming it for all of two hours. It wasn’t like that for Morgana. It was a serious moral obligation for her. She would go every day she could make a reasonably safe getaway, rain or shine. She had friends there. They loved her.

There was no reconciling that person with the one below my feet. I could accept a great deal about human nature. I could accept that if you treat a person like a criminal they’ll behave accordingly. I could accept that hate can cause a person to lose their goodness. But that a friend, a family member really, with such a developed sense of empathy as Morgana once had, could learn to take delight in cruelty was beyond comprehension. 

Logic dictated that if could happen to her, it could happen to me, and that was a truly terrifying thought.

_All will be well._

_Yeah. Right._

I found myself wondering about Merlin. What about his developed sense of empathy? His actions today indicated an almost otherworldly amount of selflessness but he did destroy an entire army of people. Granted, they would’ve destroyed us, and they had pledged their allegiance to a monster. Still, there must’ve been good people in her army. 

There was no other way to victory of course. Merlin would’ve known that. No half measures. That didn’t change the fact that you need a stout heart to induce a slaughter of the proportions Merlin had. A heart I never thought he possessed. But then, I never thought he had a lot of things it turned out he did.

I shook my head. Morgana was getting to me that was all. Merlin actions were a last resort, born out of desperation. Morgana’s were an attack. However, I remained uneasy.  
In the next hours as I waited for Leon to come take his shift guarding the prisoner, I was reminded of Gwaine’s words, ‘Such silence to accompany such thoughts as consume me’. They seemed very fitting. He forgot the darkness though. The shadows were long. One could go mad in a place like this. In some ways, I thought I had.


	4. Chapter 4

I didn’t go back to bed after Leon took his post watching Morgana. I was the sort of tired where your bones ache and your head splits and you feel faint but still I did not sleep. Perhaps I could have, if I tried but I knew I was going to see him when I dreamed and it was too soon for that. There was still a little time before the sun rose and I knew that if I wasn’t going to sleep I should at least be thinking of what I was going to say to the crowds in a few hours when I executed Morgana. I didn’t do that. Instead I went up to the parapets where I could see all of Camelot and took out Merlin’s letter.

_Hello old friend._

_If you’re reading this then it worked. I really hope that that’s the case because the only other option is we’re all dead. I was told it was going to be painful. I know it will be painful and I imagine it was a sight you’d wish to forget. I want you to know Arthur, that when it happened I might have been screaming but a part of me was relieved it was working. I promise. I’ve been fretting about Camlann for years now. I’m glad it’s finally over and I’m done worrying about it._

_You’re probably furious, Arthur._

_I don’t blame you._

_I want to try to explain myself as much as I possibly can. I don’t know what my wife and Gaius have told you so I’ll start at the beginning._

_I was born with magic. It was never something I chose. Most people with magical abilities don’t start showing them until they’re older. Some even have latent abilities their whole lives they never discover. I was never that lucky; magic was with me in cradle. It’s too strong for me to be able to ignore it and lock it away. I’ve tried, and it just spills out. I can’t ever remember a time where I wasn’t fiercely aware of the fact my abilities would destroy my life if not carefully guarded. So I came here, because my mother knew Gaius would teach me control. I wasn’t anticipating what came next._

_My destiny._

_Our destiny._

_Within days of arriving I was drawn to Kilgharrah. He’s the dragon we faced. At the time he was still underneath the castle, but he told me, that you and I were two sides of the same coin. He said you weren’t going to be just any king, you were the once and future king, and only together could we unite Albion._

_I was aghast. I had met you already, God you were the most entitled ass I’d ever seen. You and I, uniting Albion? I never wanted it, Arthur. All I’ve ever wanted was to just be able to be myself somewhere. All of myself, without totally ruining the lives of everyone I loved. But then the incident with Lady Helene happened and I got attached._

_You grew on me. You still acted like a prat mind you, but I realized there was a little bit more to you than that. It started with that incident with the poison. Most princes wouldn’t disobey their father’s orders (especially one such as Uther) and risk their lives to save one easily replaceable servant. It said a lot about your sense of duty and justice._

_You matured. As Uther shrank, you rose. You started taking things more seriously, putting the kingdom before yourself. I couldn’t be more proud, and grateful I was forced to get to know you. Now, of course, I miss the old days with all my heart. You were insufferable when you were younger, but it was worth it to see you so carefree._

_I’m sure you understand why I couldn’t tell you I was a warlock at first. No matter my opinion of you, I knew Uther would never understand my position, and I simply couldn’t trust you to keep something of this magnitude from your father. Moreover, I would never want to put you in that awkward position. By the time you had become king of Camelot, we were close enough where I knew you wouldn’t execute me, but still I stalled. I was always trying to do stupid little things to gauge your tolerance level; remember Dolma? That was me, and asking you to remember that magic was not inherently evil was my way of testing the waters. You came of well of course, except for the part where you were just about ready to leave my arse behind._

_The truth of the matter is I have no excuse for not telling you after Uther died. It was cowardice Arthur. There were reasons I had of course. I was almost ready to tell you, when Uther was on his deathbed. I thought that the best thing to do would be to revive him via magic, and then come out to you with the incident fresh in your mind. It didn’t work like that. I was Emrys, and I did try to save your father. My magic was tampered with by Morgana I swear. I never meant for Uther to die._

_So after that I certainly wasn’t going to tell you. It seemed like a valid reason at the time, but honestly we were so close that in my heart I know if I had come clean to you then you would have accepted me. The problem was, there was another part of me, that just kept on saying, “He’ll lose all respect for you. He’ll hate you, if you tell him.” You were raised to hate magic so much, and I had hidden it from you for so long, and in a way that made our closeness part of the problem. You thought you knew me, and I was petrified of what you would think of me when you found out about the double life I was leading. So I kept quiet. I want you to know it was never easy for me to lie to you Arthur. There was never a moment I didn’t want to tell you._

_And trust me, I paid for it. I’ve done so much to help you, help Albion over the years. I did everything in my power to keep you safe from Agravaine and Morgana when they were undercover, I’ve broken spells, controlled Kilgharrah, all for you. I’ve kept you safe more times than I count._

_I don’t mean to brag. Really. It’s just everything I do is to help and protect you Arthur and to you I’m just your servant and it hurts like hell to know that. So I have been punished for my lies Arthur I promise._

_In the end, I’m comforted by the fact your ignorance of my condition makes it possible for me to help you in this one last way. If you knew of my magic you would never let me go through with my plan, so I suppose if I had to do it all over again knowing what I know I would._

_With one unpardonable exception. Mordred. I have done him great wrong. There was a prophecy (of course there was Arthur, fate just can’t leave us any room to make our own decisions it would seem) that he would kill you, and that has colored my relationship with him from the start. He knew about magic, and he always kept my secret and even helped me on occasion, but I never trusted him. I thought he was just another snake in the grass I was going to have to watch out for. When he was taken ill I was relieved. I thought I could stop worrying. And then the Disir came in. You were so close Arthur, Gods I was so proud of how far you’d come from your father. If I had revealed my magic to you then, well then I think a lot less people would be dead. But I thought about the prophecy, and as much as I wanted the ban on magic lifted I wanted you to be safe more. So I gave you false advice. It just about killed me to condemn magic like that but I did it. And it was for nothing. They healed him anyway, just because they knew he would kill you and eventually they would get their way._

_That’s my most egregious lie, because this time I didn’t just let fear hurt myself, I let it hurt others. I have always tried to live my life parallel to my prophecy. Tried to make decisions based on my moral code not on how it would change my destiny. That’s why I helped to save Mordred the first time we met him as a child. That’s why I stayed my hand a countless number of times in the interim period from Morgana’s reemergence to her betrayal, even though I knew, I knew it would be in everyone’s best interest if I killed her then. I didn’t feel like I could decide who lived and died like that. I thought I could reach her. I was wrong, and Camelot paid for it. No matter what I do Arthur it always seems I’ve made the wrong choice._

_So with Mordred I tried not to make the same mistake. But he wasn’t like Morgana. He was a good person, and I wish I had taken the time to try and become close to him. He always tried to be kind to me, and I spurned him. I wanted to see him dead enough to throw away my best chance at tolerance for myself and my people. That is unforgivable. The more I think on it, the more I’m convinced my behavior has directly helped events unfold in the way of the prophecy. If only I’d taken him under my wing more, If only I’d been more understanding, maybe he wouldn’t have deserted. If only, if only. At any rate, if this worked, he’s dead now along with all of Morgana’s army, and all my if onlys count for absolutely nothing._

_There’s not nearly enough hours in the night to write down all the magic I’ve done without your knowledge, but what I’ve told you is a summary of our time together. I’m sorry for the lies, and the cowardice that fueled them. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made. I’m so sorry I’m the reason you lost Mordred. I know that that’s not enough, that it doesn’t begin to make it okay, but I can’t do anything else to make it right. Not with the time I have left._

_I imagine you probably feel that after so many years of friendship you don’t know me at all. That’s not true. I’m a dragonlord. I’m the sorcerer foretold to defeat Morgana. I’m Emrys. But as much as I’m all those things, I’m your manservant. Who I am with you is also me. It’s easily my favorite part of myself. I’m your closest ally in all my lives Arthur I swear. I use my magic for you Arthur. Only for you. I need you to understand that whatever else my faults, you were always my top priority, along with my wife and daughter. You were always in my thoughts._

_And I am not sorry for my magic Arthur, because it has done no wrong. If not for my magic many would be dead, not least of all yourself.There are more like me you know. Sorcerers who what to be able to come out of hiding without endorsing a monster like Morgana. My daughter, for example. She takes after me, she was born with it. She’s already summoning fire, and I’ve taught her how to shape it. I’m proud. Arthur, she will not stop. She cannot stop, and it will only grow in her._

_My baby girl is good. You’ve played with her, smiled at her. You know she is innocent. As innocent as Morgana when she was three. People turn evil when they’re trapped and hunted and unaccepted. Don’t let her ever feel like that. There is no reason for this ban on magic, not anymore. Sit down with a handful of those of us left. Go to the druids. Create rules, guidelines, anything. Magic is a part of us, and banning it is caging. I don’t want Caledonia to have to lead the life I led here. Please Arthur._

_I know you will mourn for me. Regardless of any betrayal you feel you will mourn for me; I know it because I know you. I’m glad. I’ve cared for you these past years, and I should hope you would mourn. But don’t make a business out of it. Find another manservant, yeah? Don’t feel guilty. I walked into this eyes wide open and it was my choice. Don’t mourn for long, Camelot needs its king. You should know that even with a shitty double life these past years have been the happiest. I complain a lot, but protecting you was never my burden, it was always my honor. What I dread most about the day to come is the loss of so many more days going on adventures with you, making love to my wife and playing with my child. Sometimes it’s hard to see past all I’ve lost, but when I look at you I realize that I’ve a better life than I had any right to expect._

_Love,  
Merlin_

After reading, for a brief moment I pushed away all my other feelings and let myself savor Merlin’s voice in my head. It was the last thing I had to look forward to, the last time Merlin would speak to me and I didn’t want to let it go. 

After his words left my crowded brain, I watched the sun start to come up and wondered how the same chest that was forming a tight ball of anger towards Merlin could miss him so much it was practically caving in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those of you who have read this fic before this update came out (God Bless You first of all) I did decide to include Mordred after all. It was a spur of the moment decision, because I realized that as much as Merlin is and always has been a truly selfless person I needed to mention the mistakes he made to humanize him, not only to you all but to Arthur as well.


	5. Chapter 5

I slept before the battle. I didn’t think I was going to, so I sought out Merlin’s company to pass the long night, for I feared solitude. And he had come, and we talked and talked, of the old days, of life; men on their deathbeds think of nothing else. Sleep came stolen. And when I awoke, Merlin was there, crosslegged, facing away from me. Those tense shoulders held life, his mind, activity. Was he thinking about his death? Or was his mind far far away, savoring some sweet memory? Unlikely I know, but just maybe he was even thinking of me. When he heard my stirring he turned around, and smiled. My friend looked tired. 

 

And so my morning was comprised of a series of firsts, none more painful than the sharp contrast of this moment, of waking up. Safe in my bed, without him. 

***

After my first breakfast without him, which went mostly uneaten, and after my first time putting on my armor without him (Gwen helped) we all embarked on our grim little parade. 

 

I led it of course, with Gwen smiling beside me. Morgana was shielded from the worst of the crowd’s penetrating gaze by my knights, who surrounded her. We were on horses and she on foot so it covered her figure well. In my experience, crowds generally don’t interfere with executions. They want the pageantry, the comfort, of a state sanctioned killing. Still. The last thing I needed was my authority being undetermined by a rock striking Morgana in the head and killing her on the spot. 

 

My city was crowded. Everyone was still here, anxious to say that they had been there the day Morgana was finally killed before the dispersal back to the empty farms and towns. There were 3 humans for every foot of space and in Camelot’s  narrow streets this created an audible ripple effect of the throngs of people parting to let us pass. Faces stared down at me from windows, children ran beside us, pushing their way brazenly along. 

 

“Will they all stay for his funeral I wonder?” I said to Gwen, who didn’t hear me over all the ruckus. No eyes were on me. On my ceremonial armor yes, my coat of arms. My sword got quite a lot of attention. But mostly it was Morgana they were searching for, catching glimpses of her disheveled hair, longing to observe more of her walk, to see if it were jaunty, defeated, or if let herself be dragged, as her chains were bound to the saddle of Gwaine’s horse.  _ Is she skipping like when we were children?  _ Such a curious mix of celebratory and vengeful noise I had seldom seen. Whether the noises were cheers or curses I could not decipher, and I well wished to be done with this horrid business.

 

I had killed. I would do so again. Execution made my blood crawl far more than the battlefield, and I was still painstakingly green in this respect. My father believed in having Morgana and I watch executions and witch burnings, but he never swung the sword. He told me that it was important for a king to keep himself above all of that, our place was watching upon high. Now it was my choice, and it didn’t feel right. If I was going to order death, then I would deliver it. No middleman’s soul ought to be involved.. 

 

She walked up that scaffold, looking me straight in the eyes, and banished any notions of control. It didn’t matter that her army was vanquished, it didn’t matter she had spent the night in prison, and it didn’t matter that she was to be killed in only a few moments. Death was not control, not when her smirk made it anything but a victory. 

“Brother, really, you look as if you’re about to get your head chopped off,” Morgana said, loud enough for the crowds to notice she spoke but only for me to comprehend.

I hated her for that. The fact that she would torment until her last breath, that nothing I could do as a mortal man could make me free of her, that even after death the memories of her words and looks would keep me from sleep. It wasn’t fair. She always knew how to beat me, since we were children.

Her spite met with contempt in my spirits, but her wild refusal to let me win, that was a different matter. Something at least of the Morgana I knew. It wasn’t especially good or admirable what had remained, but remain it had. Surely I had blamed some infantile prank on her and those eyes and that smirk were to tell me that Uther’s reprimands had certainly left no mark on her and that all my schemes were for naught. Tomorrow, guilt stricken I would go to Father and admit my misdeeds. Then all would be well between us. 

“Stop looking at me with soft eyes,” she snapped, unnerved.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I love you. Will you say the same and end things as a brother and a sister should?”

It was a desperate plea, and it was returned with a derisive snort. I hardened my heart.

“Good people of Camelot!” I called out to the waiting crowd. “Morgana Le Fay stands before you, stripped of her magic!”

I let the crown cheer and jeer, and remembered a time when they loved her as justly as they now hated her. From the corner of my eye I saw my sister pale, although I’m sure if she knew I was perceiving it, she would have done a better job at concealing this fact. 

“She has wrought great damage among our people and in our city!”

_ She was my sister. _

“She betrayed us!”

_ I love her. _

“For all these things, she is sentenced to death by beheading.”

_ She was the best of us.  _

“She will not be burned, as was my father’s custom.”

_ I don’t understand. _

“As she is being executed for high treason, not witchcraft.”

_ She won’t let me understand. _

“Do you have any last words?” I asked

_ How much more of myself will I have to give? _

Her eyes met mine and her mouth twisted into a terrible terrible smile. Something in my face made Gwaine’s hand go to his sword. In one deft motion, my sister knelt.

How easy it would have been to kill her on that battlefield. I was the victor, I am the victor, and I guess well, I guess I’ll never really feel like one, but at least then neither did she. At least in that moment everything was just blindingly white and I wasn’t thinking about anything. That would have been better. Maybe. I don’t know. Anyway, I got myself to move, be the person I needed to be, the person I wanted to be even with this one thought:

_ All I know is that some things are unforgivable.  _

***

I had her buried not too far from the castle. Few are aware of that, and soon enough, no one will know of it at all. It’s not our way. Our statesmen and warriors are burned. If there was any one thing my sister was her whole life, it was a warrior. But that would mean burying her as we do our heroes, and there I balked. I couldn’t do that to my people. To my wife. To Merlin. To me. I’ll walk by her sometimes. I never stay long. 

Gwaine has told me that I should have disposed of her some place far away, and forgotten where. “Such half measures will only torment you, Arthur.” He could well be right. Maybe one day I’ll forget all she used to be, fill my ears with only the stories our mothers tell their naughty children. But until then, I’ll continue to remember her. Druids are in and out of our market so often these days, it’s not so uncommon I’ll see a little girl with gold flashed eyes and dark hair, fearless in this bustling place. 

Perhaps it’s unnatural for me to kill and to mourn. Perhaps I should have used a headsman; I know some in my kingdom think kinslaying a terrible sin. Shameful or not, I never regretted my role in her death. I put very few people to death in Albion, and every time I give them the chance to look me in the eye. We all do what we have to to sleep at night. 

The gods will judge me in turn. 


End file.
